A minute please

A minute please.
To pause and think:
So, here is what I have said and will say; that I have made the very real decision to wear a smile. That I have made the choice to be magnanimous, that I will be gracious in defeat. I will forgive and smile and understand and move on. That I will have an amazing adventure, a new life, and I will see you in the near future. That what matters, always, is friends , when you’re old an senile who will remind you of your name and how many cats you have.

But this is what I will not say; I am alone. I have been defeated. I will not grow old surrounded by my family. And I don’t know if I can watch while you are. I smile and say I’ll be back soon but I can’t be. I am dislocated and dissolved.

No one can say this: It’s always hope and optimism and promises. The reality is less. I’ve made promises about what I believe and the future in waiting. I sound “better” and “’in control of my life”. I am “moving on” and “so strong”. I am ‘brave”. But I can’t say;

I don’t know what to hope for.
I can’t remember why to wake up.
It’s all pretend. It’s all what you want to hear.
I will put on my pack and move on but I don’t know what to wish for. I don’t know why I’m moving.
I run to my music for the beat, I don’t listen to the lyrics any more.
I can’t say:
It’s all gone, I’ve lost and lost and lost and I don’t know how to fill that.
I don’t know how to not be a wife and mother.
I don’t know how to not be an us.
I don’t know what’s left.

And I’m sure that will change. I’m sure that time and time and change and change and new and new.

So just another breath, another falsity, another promise that might become real if I repeat it enough.
Breathe and breathe and breathe through the moments.

A minute. A minute. A moment.

A pause.