So, we have managed to be hijacked three-four
times in two days since we arrived in Sri Lanka.
The difference is, unlike India, these
hijackings did not involve:
- Food poisoning resulting in shitting and vomiting simultaneously
- Being driven two hours to buy illicit alcohol for my host family
- Being cornered and plied with dodgy alcohol and asked if I wanted to watch blue movies with same host family.
- Eating at a leper colony. Food made by lepers.
Instead….
We arrived at Colombo airport with a severe
case of dry bikkies due to the bright ideas that the first night of holidays
brings. We had hijacked ourselves – instead of buying Toblerone and Chubby
Sticks and tobacco at Duty Free we detoured….Announced: “Hey: “I’ve been sick for a week but it’s officially
holidays so let’s pay $90 each for a mix of vodka, gin and mojitos before 9 +
hours of travel….Instead of buying water to drink on the plane let’s stay at
the bar and buy some sort of other ridiculously expensive drink… that’s an
absolutely excellent idea.”
5 hours after said mix of toxins and we
were delayed in Dubai airport for 2 hours. And no alcohol to get rid of a
chronic case of the D.Ts. It was quite bad. We hated the world a bit. And
everyone in it.
Aaaanywaaay..
Arrived at Colombo at sometime between 10
pm the night before and 8 am the day after tomorrow. No idea what day or time
zone or place in the world we were. And clearly we looked it because we were
accosted in the very quiet, civilized airport full of tourists who clearly
looked less befuddled than we. “Yes maam, you need taxi? Driver? Bus? Tractor?”
“Umm…Where are we? And do you know where we
might be going?”
So instead of getting a taxi to the train
station we ended up with a private driver all the way to Kandy – one of the best
decisions we have ever made – we got to stop for fresh tropical fruit, sleep
and arrive at Kandy 3 hours before the train. In our travel stupor we organized
the same driver organized to pick us up the day after next to take us to
Sigiryia rock. A supposed must. Ok.
So we spent our extra hours mixing duty
free vodka into soda bottles and drinking by the pool on a national holiday
when alcohol consumption was banned. It was an awesome night of enlightened
banter. Epiphanies included.
On awakening after 28 hour of vodka and
jet-lagged induce sleep we went for a walk around the lake. Only to be accosted
by a giant lizard and a toothless, fanatical Buddhist cricket fan Sri Lankan
who wanted to point out the very huge and obvious temple we should pray to.
Yep, we see it. And we should also follow him to his school because he is also
a teacher- of a school that our fellow Australian Ricky Ponting supports and
recently in the last ten years visited. Righto.
Hijacked, at least not by ourselves so with
no sense of guilt, we had a tour of his school where the students were away for
the weekend but the monkeys were keen as chips for any kind of action. We were
shown the one outdoor classroom for 1200 students – it did have a very large
blackboard where Ricky Ponting did some kind of speech, the bathroom-sized
kitchen and the Ricky Ponting built bubble taps that the monkeys had destroyed.
We were then led to the shop where we could – and would- buy beautiful fabrics
that the students had managed to screen print without Ricky Ponting. And buy
tickets to some kind of dancing festival, which the teacher may or may not be
partaking in and which may or may not involve monkeys and elephants. “You will
see baby elephant dance, monkey dance, butterfly dance, cobra dance!” An hour,
3 cups of tea and shitloads of cash later we got back to the hotel, collapsing
by the pool. Hard. Luckily we thought best to assume the tickets were valid and
went to the festival to see some seriously excellent traditional dancing,
although all animals were evident only via interpretive dance. Not in any kind
of real world as we had clearly left that behind. Thank the gods.
Next day we hopped in the car to drive an
hour and arrive at…a Herb n Spice Garden. Huh? The car stopped, we hopped out bewildered –
this was not a rock – and an extremely animated man told us all about the
plants and herbal medicines possible for piles, gall stones, tinnitus,
diabetes, cholesterol and other ailments we had no experience of. Dude- what
fixes a case of the too many vodkas? A severe case of What The Fuck Am I Doing? And Where and When?
But he had a Sri Lankan version of a Jim Carrey face – it was so dynamic and mesmerizing
that we walked out with creams for hair removal, colds and hair moisturizer –
in case the hair remover didn’t work at least it will be super soft.
Eventually, after visiting gardens and a
temple – amazing and beautiful and still a little unsure of how n why we got
there – we arrived at Sigriyra Rock. Where another super animated Captain of
the Hijack opened the car door for us and took us on a very educational,
historical tour of the foundations of the crazy-arsed glamorous castle of a
dude who killed his father and therefore had to have a very well- protected
fortress that could also hold and bathe 500- women. And the guests who weren’t
his relations out to kill him. It was such a beautiful place and without our
unexpected guide we might not have seen that the very old wall paintings of
women had “very big boobs” or that the painter had made a couple of mistakes so
that some originally had three nipples and three boobs. Very culturally
significant in the history of Sri Lanka. We might also have not appreciated the
truly awe-inspiring effort it must have taken to build such a huge palace on
the top of a massive mountain. And we would not have had so many photos taken
of us sweaty faced, hard of breath and clearly terrified of the heights we were
climbing on rickety stairs and tiny, steep steps. It is a really stunning place
made more so by the stories he told us- with genuine pride- of the way it once
was.
In just a few days we felt like we really
had experienced the real and dynamic Sri Lanka. So the happy news is that,
unlike some places where to be hijacked can be a little scary, so far our Sri
Lankan experience suggests we should just say yes to all the happy, friendly peeps
here and all will be pretty fucking cool. A little confusing perhaps, but cool.
I'd like to give you a piece of my mind: awesome! love ya guts x
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