Saturday, June 22, 2013

A rock.


Tonight my friend’s youngest girl wanted to sit on my lap. She was wrapped up in a poncho with only curls and dimples left popping out. I felt not a little overwhelmed with the privilege. 

It was not the first time. I have watched “Tangled” with her snuggled on my knee and suffered through “High School Musical” – I didn’t whinge or wriggle because she was delighting in it and snuggled on my knee. I have seen her dimples flash wide while she showed me how she can “swim”(jump fearlessly and skill-lessly through the water). She has performed "Dancing Queen" and some aerobic dancing moves of her own for me. I have multi-coloured her nails. But tonight on my knee she complained because I was rocking. I didn’t realize I was even moving- it wasn’t my normal, restless, I-can’t-stand-being-still twitching, it was the physical memory of comfort. 

My mother always rocked me. If ever she was patient enough to have me on her knee she rocked– even as a teen, if I gave her the chance to hold me for a minute, she’d rock. So it annoyed Dimples but I had the chance to remember the comfort of the rock – and it was totally about comforting me, not her.

The memory is so bittersweet, I will not ever share what my mother – and before her my grandmothers, shared with me. I will not share those moments of nurturing, I can’t pass on the rocking to my own. Mostly, I go about my days pretty well – and I have some pretty awesome days that most of my friends are jealous of. But randomly, with no warning, I know: I will not be a mother. I will not be a grandmother. I will not rock a child of my own. I will not feel my heartbeat through her skin as I hold her. I will not see my eyes in hers. And it floors me. 

For a moment, I cannot breathe, I am caught still in my horror. No-one sees this, it is just a moment but it is such a hopelessness.  I am the last of me and the comfort of rocking.

1 comment:

  1. wow I missed this. Beautiful and sad. But writing is a way to rock the sadness- not make it go away but soothe it and make it a little easier.

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